The Twelve Gifts of Christmas

Here's my belated Christmas wish list. I know it's very late and far too close to Christmas to order things online but if you truly love me you will find a way to have all twelve here by the 25th. I've been told I become quite unreasonable around the holidays which might have something to do with Tesco selling Terry's Chocolate Orange's for under €2. When you finish your 14th in a row you can be involuntarily committed.

Anyway I managed not to go too stud mental in my gift list, but frankly if I had my way this post would just be eleven pictures of metal studs and a final picture of me hot gluing studs to my face. I've spent quite a substantial amount of money on ebay buying sacks the addictive, pointy, treasures and when they arrive I plan to turn myself and every garment I own into some kind of fashion porcupine. 

Instead of studs, I tried to select each item from a different plus size shop or designer to give a more varied list. 

1. Black Leather Look Skirt Carmakoma €120.83
Carmakoma is the closest thing to couture fashion I've come across that caters to plus size ladies. It's not like any other plus size designer I've seen, in that it seems to take itself quite serious and try to create tailored, neutral clothes. Each item seems to have been created to have a timeless feel, existing outside the ebb and flow of trend. Like the wardrobe used in the Matrix, except unlike the Matrix, these won't look embarrassingly outdated within minutes. And will hopefully have a narrative that makes any sense whatsoever. 
Wear with an outfit completely comprised of other Carmakoma garments, in a house made out of Carmakoma garments, in a world made out of Carmakoma garments. Buy them all.
(photo credit: Thuridbbw)

2. Detachable Junk Food Collar by Gracelizabetty $14.00 (Roughly 10.59)
I challenge you not to buy anything from someone who describes their products as 'the erratic and mercurial creations of grace insogna, a non-artist artist'. I found her via my true master, tumblr, but unfortunately she seems to only be operating on facebook at the moment. Oh well, make sure to like her facebook page here and if she ever returns to the fiery pits of tumblr you can follow her here.
Wear with matching real life junkfood.

3: A gorgeous basque by Domino Dollhouse $39.99 (or roughly €30.30)
They've given them unfortunate name of 'girdle dress' which sounds like something my grandmother would complain about not being able to buy anymore, but contrary to the name this is actually quite sexy lingerie. Also check out their new 'Astralnauts' range which I've posted about before.
I recommend wearing with a beehive and champagne. 

4. Leopard Print Shirt by AX Paris £14.99 (roughly €18.43)
Does leopard print ever go out of fashion? Probably. Will I stop wearing it as a result? Absolutely not. I have leopard face paint on as we speak. Also worth noting that AX Paris has loads of other great stuff in their curve range, have a look here.
Wear with three inch long red nails, red lips and the mentality of Cruella DeVille.

5: 'I'm Fat Let's Party' by Seibei $22.99 (roughly 17.40)
I saw a picture of someone wearing this top somewhere, immediately went hunting for it online, and here it is in all it's glory. The original is in red, but I preferred this electric blue number. This one sits comfortably alongside various other such beauties like a T shirt with a picture of a pug in a sandwich called 'PLT' (hohoho). And they go up to a 5xl. Have a look at the rest of their stuff here
Wear with borderline obnoxious amounts of confidence 

6. Swimsuit by Nakimuli $145.00 (roughly 109.69)
My rules for achieving the perfect beach body has always been to go to the beach and bring your body. These rules now include wearing this swimsuit. Look at it, it's what the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would have worn to the beach if he was a plus size lady.
Wear with a fruitful hiphop career.

7: A necklace by Real Divas are Large €27.22
That's right, it's an online jewellery shop for plus size women. Is any more explanation even necessary? I suggest just going to the site and having the crushing internal debate on which of their 'body beautiful' range you're going to dip into this month's rent to buy. 
I recommend wearing this with nothing else. Paint me like one of your French girls, Jack.

8: A studded top by Asos Curve €41.67
Ok, so technically this is actually sold out, but when I saw it I wept at its studded glory and knew the world must too see. Gaze upon it's deceased beauty as one would gaze upon etchings of a majestic yet extinct creature.
Wear with a time machine powered by my tears of regret set to whenever this was actually available to buy

9. Knitted Cross Jumper by New Look £24.99 (roughly 30.72)
This is a rare specimen, that of 'the actually very fashionable and on-trend, plus size clothing item'. I actually manage to catch sight of this rather magnificent garment in the flesh, which is unusual considering that 90% of my clothes shopping happens online. I just stood in New Look cooing and stroking until I was chased out by a security guard.
Wear with the Rookie Year Book, creepers and a dip dye.

10. Biker Jacket by Yours Clothing €84.50
I need a leather jacket. I NEED ONE. A LOT. I really can't express how great this need is via mere written word, but if you could look into my eyes you would an indescribable longing. And if you're wearing a leather jacket, you would feel an indescribable clawing as I attempted to steal your leather jacket.
Wear this with... actually don't wear this. Give it to me. Go find your own.

11: Patterned jumpsuit by Posh Shoppe $31.99 (roughly 24.22)
I accidentally went to two festivals this summer for free. I say accidentally because as it happens being trapped in a mud filled prison surrounded by pilled out idiots is not the pleasant experience I was led to believe it would be. This jumpsuit would have improved the situation considerably. The only downside is the unfortunate use of the term 'tribal print'. Tribal? Oh dear...
Wear with glow sticks, a whistle and a cowboy hat which you will immediately regret buying

12. Fat Necklace by Fancy Lady Industries $27.50 AUD (roughly 21.80)
I'm sort of confused as to why I don't own this yet. I can only assume it has something to do with my deep seated resentment for people capable of creating beautiful typography. This is made a particularly lovely artist I found (like all good things) on tumblr which you can follow here.
Wear with pride.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Update: I'm trying my luck at getting Haute Proportions added to the Guardian's new fashion blogger network, which you can read all about here. If you're feeling charitable I'd be eternally grateful if you'd email them at fashion.bloggers@guardian.co.uk recommending my blog. 
Thanks a million, and wish me luck!

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