26.8.14

IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY Wishlist

Yeah, this is cool and all, but there better be cake too...

Stop asking me what the fuck to get me for my birthday, because I'm broke as shit and I want fucking everything. Unless you want to drop a grand on Asos Curve then I don't know what I want.

Realising this is an unreasonable response (apparently) to 'What do you want for your birthday?', I've compiled a list of shit I need, use and love all under €15 because I love you and if your wallet is part of you then I love that too and don't want to tap you out just because I managed to survive yet another year. There are 7 because I couldn't think of any more after that. If you really really like this post for some weird reason I'll do a part 2 that will probably involve more food.

GIFT IDEAS FOR ME, FOR MY BIRTHDAY, THAT HAPPENED ALREADY
ALL UNDER €15 YAAAS

1.  FUcking Sanctuary Créme Souffle (£10.50 on their site but I remember it being about that in euros in Boots)
Oh weird, apparently the 'white' in the background of the pic is a different,
 more modern, shinier white than the white of my blog... awkward.
Oh my god you whore get all over my skin this second. I adore all the sanctuary stuff, anything with the orange lid. The orange lid tells you 'this smells of happiness. The real happiness, the kind rich people have'. I love the salt scrub and their massage oil and basically anything that smells like this beaut right here. It's light and airy and dries super fast so you don't end up with that gross oily sheen all over you that you can sometimes get with lotions. Or if you're impatient and try to do the dishes immediately after slathering up. This stuff has you sorted, smelling delicious, moisturized as fuck but not oily, feeling like a decadent motherfucker. Yes.

2. Holy Shit Batman, it's fucking Bed Head Small Talk (£10 on average on Amazon because the site is too cool to put fucking prices next to their products. Don't want those nasty prices ruining the sleek fantasy of your brand, but I think it was about €15, they sell it in Lunatic Fringe so I usually drop in and get it there)
I use this fucker every single day. Smells like god ate nothing but lemons and the came into this container (apparently this translates as 'grapefruit'). Splooge some onto my wet hair, blow dry that fucker and magically I have the bounciest, most suspiciously edible smelling, most volumised hair ever.

3. Flowers (or plants in general so price is whatever you want)

I was looking for a picture to use here and I just searched 'Succulents pinterest' and it's like half an hour later because pinterest is just full of the most fucking beautiful leafy planty shit and it's making my eyes water I want it all so bad.
So I had this idea awhile ago, a vision, of what I wanted my bedroom to look like. And among the many, ideas I had (all entirely inspired by airy, completely impractical tumblr living space blogs, obviously) I decided I wanted a shit load of plants on my windowsill. My windowsill is gigantic (the identical one in the living room is a prettty comfortable window seat now thanks to some Ikea cushions my Mom was throwing out), and I painted it white, so now I want big green leafy plants, little green succulents and other awesome green shit like an aloe vera plant, or even some hanging vines, all in white pots. My plan is that people will come into my room, see my windowsill covered in white pots filled with thriving, very grown up, green plants and think to themselves, wow, Lou must really have her shit together. Not only is she not dead, but all of these plants are also not dead. Well done.
So get me a Succulent, or some leafy house plant in a white pot, or just some nice cut flowers because sometimes it's nice to treat me to some flowers you guys x
(oh and get plants that are very difficult to kill, as this is all an illusion and I am actually terrible at keeping plants alive and not amazing at keeping myself alive either)

4. Motherfucking Candles (From €2)
This was the weirdly sparse candle pic on the Tiger website. Weird. Because they sell like a million kinds.
You guys, Tiger has the most perf candle collection, all exactly what I love. Really simple, really cool, really cheap and in big bright bold colours so you look like you know what you're doing with your design scheme (lol, help me).  I've considered going in and buying loads of purple and pink ones and making a sort of adorable year round Spring shrine to cheer me up and make me feel girly as fuck. But then I consider buying nothing but red and black candles and having some kind of weird occult style alter that will freak out everyone, myself included. So it's really an anything goes type request, but my favourite is always going to just be plain white scent free ones, just like my Mom. If you absolutely MUST get a scented one, or feel weird about handing me an unwrapped plain white scentless candle and mumbling 'happy birthday' then I will allow for scents such as 'Clean Linen' or equivalent. Anything that smells clean, citrussy or coconutty I am all for. Bring me anything that smells of vanilla, cinnamon/cloves/christmas/pine needles or gross incense type smells like patchouli and I will never fraternize with you again sir, as those are the worst smells ever.

Also a handy bag of 8 hour tea lights is always much appreciated, I get through about a bag a week during the Winter.
(Actually I quite like that blue/teal one in the back in the pic, get me those and some white ones in various sizes, danke)

5. Fucking FOOD. Specifically Nóbo Ice Cream (like €8. It's pricey as fuck, but totally worth it)
Yeah those two sexy bitches in the foreground, give me them fuck the coconut one that's practically fruit.

I have coeliac disease. Really bad. Other internet coeliacs said to stop eating dairy because it helps you to feel less like you're slowly dying (and other equally fun coeliac symptoms). I did this, then forgot and ate a gigantic slice of Mint Vienetta and the next day I had heart burn that was so severe it was occupying the space around my body as well as my entire chest cavity. It was entirely unfair, I don't even like mint things when combined with chocolate things. But damage done, no more delicious bastard dairy.

So along came Nóbo, gluten free, dairy free (though oddly not vegan, why do they use honey? It seems so weird to use honey instead of a vegan alternative like agave so that everyone without a nut allergy can enjoy...). I particularly like the chocolate one but the lemon one is also pretty fucking amazing. Don't worry about it melting when you bring it to me, because the base is coconut milk it needs to get super melty before it resembles more traditional ice cream. Thanks for worrying about that though, you're sweet x

6. Nail Colour Perfection. Or Rimmel London Rita Ora 60 Second Nail Polish Breakfast in Bed

Pic Source here (because it's probably weird to have a stranger's hand on your blog with out giving them a shout out)
Ok. Here's the thing. You don't actually get what a big deal finding this was for me. I have wanted mint green nail polish for about two years. I don't know where I got this into my head, I've never really been a nail polisher, but like all obsessive and mildly destructive flights of fancy I just could not stop thinking about it. I bought multiple colours from various brands, and while some came pretty close none of them were right. They were too teal, too emerald, just not pale enough. How would people I was giving the finger to know of my pale pastel soft grunge inner core?

But then this perfection arrived. I don't know about you guys, but I NEED MY NAILS TO CONSTANTLY BE THIS COLOUR. I plan on going through quite a few bottles of this, and since it's only €3.57 for a bottle right now at Asos I'd recommend that you buy me at least two. And to help you get over the €15 mark so you get free delivery you should get me this Model's Own Artstix Corrector Pen for €7.14 because I am also really bad at painting my nails. You're still like 70c under the free delivery but that's not my problem, I held up my under €15 birthday list part of the bargain losers.

Also, sidenote, I thought Rita Ora sounded familiar, turns out My Bad Sister were in her video and were deadly as always.

7. Motherfucking $$$ (so however much you can part with)
From 2012, back when I drank and wore colour as long as the colour was gold.
On the right is me (perfection). But the focus of this segment is the lady on the left, the one and only Ari Silvera. She is an Argentinian, trans, feminist who is also a gigantic nerd and is regularly asked to leave my apartment due to making terrible pun based jokes even though she KNOWS they hurt my soul. Well, she was constantly being asked to leave until she actually did leave and moved to Scotland where I can only assume they appreciate her constant punning.

All her benefits have suddenly been cut (you know, benefits, those things you're entitled to so you don't die) and since she's no longer getting Rent Allowance (or whatever the Scottish equivalent is) she has to pay a gigantic council tax... because logic.

She is a truly incredible person, and she needs some love right now preferably in monetary form to help her to survive so please donate whatever you can to her HERE x


(thanks for reading Lou-sers. In case you were wondering I'm now 24 and officially too fucking old to be on tumblr. byeeeeeeeeeeeee)


14.12.13

Size Up

One of the most frustrating things about being fat is going onto a boutique website, looking at all these ready made, off the rail, exactly what I've always wanted clothes, looking, salivating, coveting and then, finally, resigning yourself to painfully click the 'accessories' section. These sites are for the thin, and these sites only do straight sizes, but I bookmark them anyway for inspiration or for occasional trawling through for oversized stuff or just for plain bitterness when I feel like flicking through and cursing that fat girls can be chic too you fucks. 

It's for the same reason I no longer go clothes shopping with my straight sized friends. It will only be a matter of time before I'm tearing things off the rails in Top Shop bellowing that it should be MINE! It should be FOR ME! Until eventually they call in animal control to take me down with elephant tranquilizers. It makes me despair that anyone below a size 22 has unbelievable clothes practically leaping off the rails and onto their ungrateful frames and occasionally my bitterness pays off. It's because I like to grope my way through these sites along with every fat site I can get my perfectly mint polished claws into that I see similarities appear. 

Here we have an offering from Bitching and Junkfood, which in case you can't tell by the name is hip beyond your wildest dreams. 
Find it here
They're doing the whole, mid 90's, 'The Craft', demi goth with colour thing that's everywhere and so tantalizingly out of reach for fatties. But wait.

Behold this next offering from Simply Be*. 
Find it here
I mean they've styled it bizarrely but dammit all if that isn't the same jacket. Yes, it's a little off shade and it's longer, but it's basically the same one. Personally the longer length would suit me, I want to size it up by about two sizes and wear it like a gigantic blue furry hug. 

You're welcome. More to come.

Also the lack of posting is because I'm sick all the time. Bare with. 

*I'm linking to the Irish site because I'm from Ireland... and so I order from there. 

30.12.12

New Years Devolutions

The title is the affectionate name I've affixed to the tradition of new year's resolutions. A wonderful time of year in which we lie to ourselves and everyone around us about how we plan to bring ourselves up to the basic requirements of humanity so that we can be injected into social situations without people fleeing in despair.

Last year I made the resolution to buy Vogue every month, in the hope I would become a better fashion journalist whilst simultaneously sizing up the competition. I did succeed in my resolution, but I also started buying and smoking Vogue menthols around September to deal with the mind numbing boredom of having to read stupid Vogue all the stupid time. Yay, rich white people did something I saw on tumblr six months ago. No one cares... Frankly it's put me off resolutions altogether, even ones that initially seem appealing. I've decided to break down the most common resolutions for the rest of you, so you don't make the same mistake.

Here are the top ten new years resolutions according to the first website that came up on google that had 'statistics' vaguely in the description. Therefore, science.

20.12.12

The Twelve Gifts of Christmas

Here's my belated Christmas wish list. I know it's very late and far too close to Christmas to order things online but if you truly love me you will find a way to have all twelve here by the 25th. I've been told I become quite unreasonable around the holidays which might have something to do with Tesco selling Terry's Chocolate Orange's for under €2. When you finish your 14th in a row you can be involuntarily committed.

Anyway I managed not to go too stud mental in my gift list, but frankly if I had my way this post would just be eleven pictures of metal studs and a final picture of me hot gluing studs to my face. I've spent quite a substantial amount of money on ebay buying sacks the addictive, pointy, treasures and when they arrive I plan to turn myself and every garment I own into some kind of fashion porcupine. 

Instead of studs, I tried to select each item from a different plus size shop or designer to give a more varied list. 


18.12.12

OneOneThree

I just saw this on Pocket Rocket (which is a super cute fatshion blog if you haven't seen it already).
A gorgeous new plus size clothes company called One One Three, and after seeing the photos I'm positively giddy...

13.12.12

The Ever Expanding Universe

Remember that post I did about how nebula print is finally available in plus size? 
Well here's one more, this time from Nakimuli as part of their ever expanding plus size range.

You can buy this for me here, and actually while you're there you should really peruse the rest of their plus size stuff. It's very very good...